Mars Johnson, Space Spectacular!

(Four people stand in front of mics on stands, facing the audience. One of the actors provides the called for SFX, sometimes with large strange looking props.)

ANNOUNCER
(in style of 1920’s Radio)
Mars Johnson, Space Spectacular, Hero of Humanity! Last week, Mars found himself trapped in the Lair of King Vortex, Lord Fascist of the Ravenous Reptilian Rakloids!! With his fair lass, the beautiful Sally Synthoid at his side and TrustyRusty, his faithful robit, always ready for adventure!

(growling and “space sounds”)

But in this case— danger!

(musical sting)

SALLY
(panting) Oh Mars! What are we gonna do?

MARS
Don’t worry, Sally. This Rakoid Pit may be vast but I may just have an idea.

(electric buzzing)

SALLY
The e-lectric specdramitor on your ray blaster?

MARS
Indeed, Sally! It’ll give us just the boost we need.

(osculating electric pulse and then explosion)

TRUSTYRUSTY
(British robot) Good job sir.

SALLY
(gushing) Oh, Mars….

MARS
Don’t thank me yet, Sally. There’s still the Rakloids to deal with.

TRUSTYRUSTY
(buzzing computer noises) I’m here at the ready, sir!

MARS
Thank you, T.R.! A better robot friend, a lad couldn’t have!

TRUSTYRUSTY
Of course, sir.

SALLY
What are we gonna do, Mars?

MARS
Well, Sally. The Rakloids are clever and nasty creatures. But luckily highly disorganized.

TRUSTYRUSTY
Quite right, sir.

SALLY
I’m frightened, Mars.

MARS
Don’t worry, Sally. As long as I’m here, no harm will come to you!

SALLY
(gushing) Oh, Mars.

TRUSTYRUSTY
I will endeavor to do my best too, madam!

SALLY
Oh, and you too, T.R.!

(Kissing, happy beeping)

ANNOUNCER
Deeper into the caverns of the twisted Rakloid Dungeon! Further into the beating heart of terror! (more growling sounds, space noises) Our intrepid adventurers keep their backs to the wall, creeping undetected through the dripping tunnels (exaggerated water dripping noise) Each step might be their last!

MARS
(hushed tone) Careful there, Sally. The Rakloids are bound to smell your Sweet Sally Synthoid Perfume. No male of any species can resist that heavenly aroma.

SALLY
Oh, I’m sorry, Mars. I just did my normal routine like every morning. I had no idea we’d be facing Rakloids!

MARS
I know. Your feminine upkeep is always in top form.

SALLY
(gushing) Oh, Mars! You’ve noticed!

MARS
Unfortunately, Sally, your dedication and consistency to beauticianry has become our downfall. We can’t go much further without your Sweet Sally Synthoid Perfume setting off alarm bells in the head of every red-blooded Rakloid warrior in the entire asteroid.

SALLY
Oh no!

MARS
I’m afraid so, Sally. I’m afraid so. The Rakloids simply can’t help but be lured instantly to your consistent feminine upkeep. I’m afraid we’re done for.

(Sally gasps)

TRUSTYRUSTY
I’m not so sure, sir.

MARS
TrustyRusty? You have a plan?

TRUSTYRUSTY
I just might, sir. If the Rakloids are lured to Sally’s Sweet Sally Synthoid Perfume, we can lead off our trail and straight into a trap!

MARS
Saturn’s Lost Ring, you’re right! Sally, do you have any more of your Sweet Sally Synthoid Perfume?

SALLY
Of course, Mars. A girl always needs to be prepared to freshen up.

MARS
Thatta gal. Here’s what we’ll do. I just might think that old Rakloid pitfall might come in handy…

ANNOUNCER
And so, our heroes make themselves a devious decoy! Bolstered by the enchanting power of Sweet Sally Synthoid Perfume, it doesn’t take long to see the effects…

MARS
(hushed tone) Ah, ha! Certainly didn’t take long to see the effects! Here they come now.

(ferocious growling noises slowly get louder)

SALLY
Mars! They’re hideous!

MARS
(still hushed) Stand firm, Sally girl. I’m right here.

(growling continues. Sniffing. A growling conversation, the first low and deep, the second higher register: Questioning Growl? “I-don’t know” growl. Annoyed growl. “What-can-you-do” growl.)

MARS
Leapin Lunar Laps. I think they’re communicating…

SALLY
What are they saying?

TRUSTYRUSTY
The first Rakloid individual has expressed his interest in what he has described as, roughly translated, “the most beautiful scent he has ever encountered since eggecyle.”

SALLY
Aw, that’s so sweet!

TRUSTYRUSTY
His companion Rakloid has supposed the desire to “ingest the source within his gut-sac and then expel it through his meatpurse.” More or less.

SALLY
Oh.

TRUSTYRUSTY
It is evidently quite pleasurable.

MARS
When you get right down to it, they’re really not that different from us after all.

(More growls: Ho hum growl. “It was this big” growl. “Really?” growl. “You had to be there” growl.)

SALLY
They’re so close, Mars!

MARS
That’s right, Sally. We’re just about got them… right… where we…. want them!

(Exaggerated “HuuuUH?” Scooby-Doo growl)

MARS
Take that, Rakloid Scum!

(Laser gun blast noise. Explosion. Then a “raaaaaaaah” growl that fades like it’s falling down a long hole)

TRUSTYRUSTY
Crack shot, sir!

MARS
Thanks, T.R.! That’s what years at the Star-Specular Space Academy will do for you!

SALLY
(gushing) Oh, Mars!

MARS
Keep your wits about you, you two. We’re not safe yet!

ANNOUNCER
Their ingenious machination a success, our heroes move into the very center of the Rakloid lair, surely at the height of danger!

MARS
Careful everyone. This will surely be the height of danger.

SALLY
I’m frightened of heights, Mars!

MARS
It’s really more of a metaphorical height, Sally.

SALLY
(gasps) Metaphors?!

MARS
No, no. That’s a good thing.

SALLY
Oh, is it? Well good then. (pause.) Oh, Mars!

TRUSTYRUSTY
Sir, I am detecting a great surge into Rakloid activity.

SALLY
(gasps) A surge?!

MARS
Don’t worry, Trustyrusty. Whatever it is, we’ll be ready for it.

KING VORTEX
(a big deep scary lizard voice) ARE YOU, MARS JOHNSON?

MARS
Quakin’ Quasars! King Vortex!

(musical sting, Sally screams)

KING VORTEX
YES. TIS I, HUMAN! MY TRAP WHICH LEAD YOU TO MAKE YOUR OWN TRAP HAS LEAD YOU STRAIGHT INTO MY TRAP! (evil deep rumbling laughter)

(electric zapping force field noise)

KING VORTEX
YOU ARE NOW AT THE MERCY OF RAKLOID TECHNOLOGY! FAR SUPERIOR TO ANY OF YOUR PITTLING HUMAN SPECDRAMITORS! (more laughter)

MARS
(struggling grunts) Blast you, Vortex!

KING VORTEX
SURRENDER, SPACE SPECTUCLAR! THERE. IS. NO. ESCAPE!

(More laughter. Mars and Sally can be heard making struggling sounds.)

ANNOUNCER
Oh no! Things don’t look good for our heroic trio! What will become of them in the cold reptilian clutches of King Vortex of the Rakloids? Is this truly the end for Mars Johnson, Space Spectacular? Find out next week on: (space noises) Mars Johnson, Space Spectacular!

(dramatic music, then abruptly ends)

ANNOUNCER
This Week’s Mars Johnson, Space Spectacular brought to you by! Sweet Sally Synthoid Perfume. The perfume no man can resist. No matter what century! Get your perfume of tomorrow! Today! Be sure to pick up your very own at your local Shmendal & Sausages’ Department Store.

VsYVnCt

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