Needing Therapy

1
Hi. So how’s it going?

2
I don’t know. I’m sad? I feel ugly. Small. Scared. Yeah, definitely scared.

1
Scared of what?

2
I don’t know. Is it failure? That seems kinda normal. Or something, given better context, I could stand above from and see the outside of it. Where the fog clears and I understand the real dimensions of it.

1
Ow.

2
Yeah. Seems kinda stupid, right?

1
I’m not so certain.

2
Why not?

1
It is normal to struggle. To hate and clash and wail against our confines of life. It’s just being alive. I remember something about coming into life crying as you’re born just because of the violence pain of being alive. Life is pain. Life is suffering.

2
Yes. One of those darker philosophies. The ugly, internal looking ones.

1
And out. Life. The world.

2
Yeah, I suppose. I never quite figured out how the existentialism-nihilism dichotomy was supposed to work for me. Existentialism is about hope. Life being hope. That’s nice. But then you inevitably fail and then feel worse. Being alive and doing nothing, feeling guilty about it all the while. Nihilism is supposed to free you of that burden. The meaning just isn’t there. The universe is chaotic and ugly, but then can also be beautiful. If you have the hope to make it yourself.

1
And then you swing back to existentialism.

2
Right. Yeah. I don’t know, I just have too many questions I don’t have answers to.

1
That doesn’t sound that bad. That’s okay, too, right.

2
Yeah, it should be. Life IS big and ugly and weird and chaotic and just NOT. NORMAL. You know? I don’t know what I’ve learned about ANYthing. I’m at the end of something, not the beginning. That’s what it seems. Just because I don’t know what to do next. What to step to. I can’t even pour myself into a stupid job. Make money. But I have to, I should. I need. Soon, definitely. I can’t just jerk off and get fat and waste money and MY time. I just haven’t made plans. Cause I’m scared.

1
Because you’re scared.

2
I feel fat. Ugly.

1
You keep saying “ugly.”

2
Yeah. It’s weird. It’s not REALLY in a physical sense. I had my own battle with self image ages ago, mostly as a teenager. Came out the other side okay. It’s mostly about A. finding a mate, and then B. being just LIKED by people. Your peers and such. Us and our weird little social islands that we are, desperately needing those other islands to see us as good.

1
But now you’re ugly.

2
Agh, it’s a self confidence thing. Yeah, I feel fat and weird. But I COULD be fatter. That part’s funny. I think it’s more a symbol of feeling out of control. My body isn’t in my control. My life feels that way too.

1
So then take control. Henry Rollins’ thoughts on exercise.

2
Right. But then I get scared again. I collapse inward.

1
Can you breakthrough somehow? I mean. You know rationally that it’s what you have to do.

2
Yeah. I think that’s the thing. The rational versus the. Emotional? The gut feeling that I hate and that seems to hate me. Telling me to take it easy and not try and not take risks.

1
It doesn’t sound like you.

2
No! No, it doesn’t does it. It’s that cloud thing again, outside of it, I can look at it and say, “Well, that’s just ridiculous.” But I keep getting sucked in. Sucked under.

1
So, exercise? And make things. And have specific goals. And make money.

2
Yeah. Yeah, that’s all good. Externalize my problems, so they don’t get sucked into a black, silent nothing and pull me in with it.

1
Well, that’s what we’re doing here, right? Externalizing?

2
I hope so. No. Yes. Yes, that’s what we’re doing. I’m sorry, I’m getting weird and doubting again.

1
You don’t have to apologize.

2
Right. Yes, I know. Take a deep breath. Relax.

1
Relax. It’ll be okay.

2
It’ll be okay.

 

imgg203

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