My dream last night

I dreamt I was shrunk to about 2 feet tall or so. But also made invisible. I was played by Christian Bale. I went on a quest to write the wrongs. I was being supported physically by woman, sort of like an exoskeleton. I still had my sword, which was normal sized. I found arrows and a quiver in a pile of junk, but an old douchey co-worker who was the only one who could see me for some reason kept calling it a “KAR-RON” and insisted it was the proper pronunciation. It ended up being an extremely cumbersome amount of things to carry.

Before I was Christian Bale, I was me in a more or so high school drama setting. We were performing a satirical musical. Tino played God and Szeman played Jesus Christ, his son. God sent Jesus down during the time of the dinosaurs. The director was some snooty Hollywood bigshot. We were writing the play as we went along. I offered to help. I discussed how silly the Jesus death scene could be, with people mobbing him and “going all Brutus on him.” There were two-dimensional paper people from “South Park” there as well, so I suggested that “Stan could become the new hero.”

Before that, I was involved in some kind of mafia plot. Lots of killing and retribution killing. I was played by Michael Pitt. I had a premonition my flapper girlfriend was going to be killed, so I tried to reach an accord with the rival mob boss– *I* had to die.

So later on the dream, when I was in the play, I had a date planner with today’s date of the Saturday rehearsal saying “2-5 pm, Death” since I had to die publically where the rival mob boss would be able to know it’d happened. The snooty Hollywood director mostly blew me off, but the plan was that I had to actually die, but then I’d be defibrillated back to consciousness.

Backstage, as I was trying to write funny bits for the script, a girl from the show sat near me and we shared my blue and red cape like a blanket and she explained she’d tried to play a board game during her break but was too nervous. She called it something weird, but I imagined the box for a second trying to visualize it and thought it was “Exploding Kittens: the Card Game” or the “Simon’s Cat Card Game” which isn’t out yet. As I was trying to write more of the script, a stagehand came and yelled at me for working on personal things instead of the script before I could explain I was.

That’s about when I got shrank. I began to see it a screenplay for a movie, a kind of Hero’s Journey thing. This allowed me to meta visualize what had happened to me: the big evil villain, who was probably some sort of king, had sent his wizard viser to kill him, but instead he’d shrunk me. When the king asked the wizard if I was dead, the viser answered, “He’s been taken care of,” in reference to my shrinking. Then a voice popped into my head saying that “wasn’t it a cliche that the villain thinks the hero is dead due to a shoddy job by an assassin halfway through the plot? Plus the miscommunication of the instructions.” I resolved to fix the plot so such blaring cliches weren’t present. But I was still a shrunk Christian Bale with a woman partner exoskeleton with too much gear.

I went around a corner to the front of the theater to see two aliens talking in the manner of a “Shadows of the Empire” cutscene. One green female alien said in a floating text box “Oh no… Melchior finally did it…” when the alarm woke me up.

Star Wars - Shadows of the Empire (E)  snap0073

HUMANITY

HUMANITY

By Graham Gentz


 

(Carlos enters his house to see Conner Fucking a dead goat)

CARLOS
Conner! What the hell!
 
CONNER
Fuckin a Dead Goat tiiiiiiiime!
 
(Conner and Cantu highfive. Carlos begins to flail his arms and dramatically cry.)
 
CARLOS
ohmyGOD why can’t I Fuck any dead goats I’m going to DIE ALONE!
 
(Carlos runs out of the room hysterical.)
 
CANTU
Da’amn. Dat dude fuckin WEIRD, yo.
 
TITLE: HUMANITY
 
(Carlos sits in his kitchen drinking a beer, alone.)

 
CARLOS
I should probably kill myself.
 
(Conner BURSTS into the kitchen, completely naked except for a pair of briefs on his head.)
 
CONNER
How long are you supposed to have an erection?!!
 
CARLOS
What the FUCK
 
CONNER
TELL ME GODDAMN IT I KNOW YOU KNOW
 
(Conner collapses on the floor, pulling down glasses and bottles, all of which shatter violently.)
 
CARLOS
…Conner?
 
(Cantu strolls causally into the kitchen smoking a joint.)
 
CANTU
Naw, man. He cool. It’s all good.
 
(Puffs. Passes the joint to Carlos, who is staring at the ground in shock mouth agape. Carlos notices the joint and completely forgets about Conner, grabbing it and taking a hit.)
 
CARLOS
So. Have you ever, like… Girls?
 
CANTU
(puffs) Oh yeah, man. I Girls all the time. Tho where I come from, we call it…. “Bitches.”
 
CARLOS
(trying it on)
….”Bitches.”
 
Cantu
(helpfully)
Or Hoes.
 
CARLOS
(uncertainly)
….hoes?
 
Cantu
(confidently)
“Hoes.”
 
Beat.
 
CARLOS
…what does real love feel like?
 
CANTU
Super good, man. Like. really good.
 
CARLOS
I KNEW it.
 
CANTU
I wrote a rap about it. Here, check it. (dramatically clears his throat. very carefully places himself in a Gangster pose)….YO:
 
(Conner’s head pops up visibly to the level.)
 
CONNER
WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DICK
 
HARD CUT TO:
 
TITLE: HUMANITY
 
(Cantu and Conner are planning video games.)
 
CONNER
Fuck you dude! That’s the last time I play you in Australian Football!
 
CANTU
This is FIFA, man.
 
CONNER
Don’t argue DRIBBLE GOAL Disposal, BRO! Nothing gets past the Fifty metre line!
 
CANTU
I’m not sure if that’s supposed to make sense or not.
 
CONNER
(laughing knowingly like he’s in on a joke)
That is like. SO Corkie
 
(enter Carlos and Daniel)
 
CARLOS
Hey, guys. This is my new friend, Daniel.
 
(Daniel waves awkwardly and tries to smile, but fails. Conner’s jaw practically hits the floor. Beat.)
 
CONNER
The FUCK is this.
 
CARLOS
what do you–
 
CONNER 
THE FUCK IS THIS FUCKING SHIT CARLOS. YOU SICK FUCKING PIECE OF FUCK. AFTER ALL WE’VE BEEN THROUGH AND YOU PULL THIS KIND OF SICK FUCKING SHIT YOU MOOTHER FUUUUUUCKEEEER
 
(Conner leaps hands, claws outstretched on top of Daniel, going for his throat. Daniel gives a earsplitting WOMAN’S SCREAM.)
 
HARD CUT TO:
 
(Carlos and Conner stand in the other room. In the backroom we can clearly see Cantu and Daniel standing awkwardly next to each.)
 
CARLOS
(harsh stage whisper)
The FUCK is your problem, Conner
 
CONNER
(harsher stage whisper)
The Fuck is YOUR problem, bro! You sick fucking Fuck!
 
CARLOS
what the fu–
 
CONNER
(harshest stage whisper ever)
What the FUCK are you doing bringing over your “neeeew friiiiiends.” I thought we fucking agreed we were the only friends we’d ever need!
 
CARLOS
We never agreed to–
 
CONNER
AND HERE I AM. Trying to stiff-arm fend on the Inside-50. When YOU DON’T RESPECT MY FEELINGS, like I’m some teary-eyed mother threatening to drown her own kids like a Crumber Crow Throw in a Contested possession!
 
Beat.
 
CARLOS
Are you still using Australian Football rules for everything–
 
CONNER
–it’s a beautiful sport!
 
HARD CUT TO:
 
(Cantu and Daniel standing together. Daniel smiles like a space alien with autism.)
 
DANIEL
..You know, but different. Like really different. Like how I felt. Inside. You know. The real, TRUE me. And people didn’t treat me how I wanted to.
 
CANTU
Yo, man, I feel you. Prejudice is an ugly thing. Terrible. Man, the shit people have said to me–
 
DANIEL
…but that’s when I realized I was half-moon elvenkin, half unicornkin, and half Sonic the Hedgehog.
 
Beat.
 
CANTU
what?
 
(Carlos and Conner suddenly reenter.)
 
CARLOS
o-KAY, guys. Everything’s fine. We’re all cool, right? No. Problems. (he looks around at everyone) Right? RIGHT? GUYS?
 
(Conner bitterly mutters something under his breath. Daniel nods quickly and earnestly. Cantu stares Daniel at silently, mostly in horror)
 
CARLOS
(brightly)
Great! (Carlos sits with exaggerated poise. The other three sit normally staring intensely at each other.) Now let’s get to KNOW each other! (big wave) HI! I’m CARlos. I’m a Pisces. But don’t let that fool you! I have the BITE of a water sign–
 
CONNER
I’LL RIP OFF YOUR TITS!!!
 
(Conner flings himself through the air again at Daniel who defends himself with a flailing of weird arm motions and a high pitched woman scream. Carlos jumps up to grab Conner when:)
 
HARD CUT TO:
 
(Cantu and Conner sitting together)
 
CANTU
Man, I don’t know about this new guy. He seems kinda weird.
 
CONNER
I know! He’s SUCH a gorilla!
 
Beat.
 
CANTU
Is that a–
 
CONNER
–Colloquially, a large, strong defender who plays body-on-body defense against the strongest forwards!
 
CANTU
Yeah, I fuckin walked into that one.
 
HARD CUT TO:
 
(Daniel hands Carlos a DVD case.)
 
CARLOS
What’s this?
 
DANIEL
Ah! Highly astute of you! That would be “Bronies: The Extremely Unexpected Adult Fans of My Little Pony”. I always carry around multiple copies. As gifts. I consider myself, something of an ambassa-tor. (he giggles) Of sorts.
 
Beat.
 
CARLOS
…so that’s like a “pony”–
 
DANIEL
(rolls the r)
–But for “b-r-r-r-r-r-o’s”! Pre-CISELY.
 
CARLOS
That makes a lot of sense….
 
HARD CUT TO:
 
(Carlos and Cantu sitting together)
 
CARLOS
Look, I just don’t want leave Conner and Daniel alone together.
 
CANTU
Word.
 
CARLOS
–It could be dangerous!
 
CANTU
Yeh.
 
CARLOS
Who KNOWS what could happen!
 
CANTU
Jacked up shit, man.
 
CARLOS
(agreement)
JACKED up shit!
 
(Carlos and Cantu LEAP to their feet in excitement, screaming louder and louder in escalating, bro-ier excitement and culminating in them bashing chests and making thundering weird animal noises)
 
HARD CUT to:
 
(Conner and Daniel watching TV together. Conner has a super intense, highly engrossed look on his face. There is a long silence. Until:)
 
CONNER
…so…..  unless Twilight Sparkle can stop the Parasprites…. they’re gonna destroy all of Equestria?
 
DANIEL
Yep!
 
CONNER
That is FUCKED up!!
 
HARD CUT TO:
 
(The four of them sitting at a table. Carlos laboriously hands out beers.)
 
CARLOS
o-KAY! Now! We’re all HERE. Good. Now we can do what I’ve been hoping for. Let’s talk about RELATIONSHIPS. I’ve got some REALLY interesting new theories that I really think–
 
CONNER
(super distressed, suddenly EXPLODES, talking way fast, wordsrunningtogether)
Okay, so that was FUCKED up what they did to Princes Celestia, NOT UNLIKE Australian-Football-Legend Gary Ablett, who’s induction was deferred until 2005 due to a controversy associated with the death of a young female acquaintance due to an illegal drug overdose shortly after his retirement, which was felt to be likely to bring the Hall of Fame into disrepute BUT IF Equestria  is on the LINE then why can’t WE ALL JUST–
 
(Conner begins to weep openly and collapses to the ground under the emotional weight of the universe. Everyone just looks at each other. Conner’s loud crying clearly audible. Then:)
 
DANIEL
Do you guys wanna dress up like Animals and masturbate? 
 
(Beat. Beat. )
 
CARLOS
(agreeable)
…Yeah alright…
 
(The three of them get up from the table and amicably exit. Conner’s crying can still be heard.)
 
CONNER (O.S.)
friiiiiendship….. is ……maaaaaaagiiiiiiiic…
 
(He continues to weep)
 
TITLE: HUMANITY
 
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