I made it.
Maybe I should back up a bit. Usually when people talk about “making it,” it’s in the metaphysical sense. It means success, in the most abstract sense. It’s driven by capitalism, each person’s life reduced to bars reached and boxes checked and things to own for the expressed purpose of passive bragging. The grass is green, you want the four car garage and the cars to go in it. A boat. Symbols. Symbols of having “made it.”
But that’s not what I mean. I mean. Well. That I made it.
This is what I see every morning now. Ten steps from my front door. It took odysseys upon odysseys to get here. I still can’t totally believe it.
I don’t know how I feel. Still exhausted mostly. 2000+ miles in a 16 foot truck across blizzards and rain and the Midwest.
Relief, I think. Relief.
I was living in the desert. Metaphorical, literal. I wanted out. I needed out. I’d tried before, over the space of different years. My health or the health of people I loved pulled me back. Ultimately, it was the highly fantastical notion of a full and complete Bachelor’s Degree meaning and mattering. But I did that. And found love. Life-changing, cosmos-shattering love. So that feels like a win. But always with a why.
Why. Why was I still there. What was I doing. How was I going to get what I want. Be what I wanted.
And so here I am. No city on earth had more media, attention, opinions, all focused on this one place, it’s history, it’s meaning. Everyone’s got things. Everyone’s got thoughts. And they’re all pretty intimidating.
Where am I going with this. I really don’t know. I just don’t feel good today.
It comes in waves. My feeling of hope or positivity or peace. I am spinning and sad. How do I focus. I don’t know. I love. I wait. I sit. But I want to create. I want to be something. Make things. I’m just intimidated.
I’m not comfortable being intimidated. It’s not really my natural state. But in a vacuum, you get all sorts of crazy ideas. Lots of people live here. Normal people, any kind of person. I have my little haven secluded on the far end of the island and I love it. Sleepy, comfortable, Circles within circles. Spectacular, really. Unthinkable.
I like thinking. I like making things. I like things about making things and how things are made. The cowardice and fear only goes so far. It’s about tricking yourself. Tricking your brain into vaulting over those self-imposed barriers. Fear and circling in on yourself. I am happy, I just don’t know it yet. Make some things. Get happy. Live a life. Make your body hurt a little. Keep going. It’s okay. Live. I will live and be okay.
Welcome to New York City.
Graham Gentz 